I’m not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into Bunning’s Hardware at lunchtime, wandered down the timber aisle and some old fart dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first half dozen punches in and sorted the bastard out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Spread this warning to all your friends.
This list was purportedly posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the apparently actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Do I believe this? Errr… no… but it’s still a funny read.
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Note: I was actually asked this in Orlando, Florida.
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is … oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
A: You are a British politician, right?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
A: Only at Christmas.
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…
Guts – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’
Balls – is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ‘You’re next.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death .
Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident.
In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Ole.
“Didn’t you say sir, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine”? asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, “Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…”
“I didn’t ask for details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine”?
Ole said, “vell, I had just got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highway ven dis huge semitruck ran da stop sign and smacked into my truck right in da side. I vas trone into vun ditch and Bessie she vas trone into da udder. I vas hurting, real bad and didn’t vont to move. But, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape yust by her groans.”
“Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he vent over to her.”
“After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between da eyes!”
“Den da Patrolman he came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now, if you vas me, vut da hell vould YOU say?”
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Nancy.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Nancy staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’
Flynn said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Nancy said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’
Technorati Tags: irish jokes, paddy, catholics, jokes
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
Technorati Tags: irish jokes, jokes, water into wine
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’
Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’
The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now’
I love Chuck Norris jokes. I think they’re hilarious!
Today I received an email with the following instructions:
1. Open Google.
2. Type “Find Chuck Norris”
3. Click on “I’m feeling lucky”
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
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