Chuck Norris

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25 facts about Chuck Norris.

  1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
  3. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
  4. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  5. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  6. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
  7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
  8. Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
  9. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
  10. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
  11. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  12. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
  13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  14. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. Thus ends all the controversy over the death of JFK.
  15. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  16. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
  17. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
  18. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
  19. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
  20. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  21. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris-more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris-robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
  22. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  23. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  24. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
  25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

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Comment posted by OzLady
at 12/28/2005 9:04:00 PM

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror

Ice isn’t cold water; it’s water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

chuck norris has never farted. scientists fear that if he ever does, it will be the end of mankind.

When the Boogeman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.

Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American; it has nothing to do with his heritage…he just ate a fucking indian.

Comment posted by OzLady
at 12/28/2005 9:07:00 PM

– Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

– If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

– If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

– On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

– Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

– When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

– Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

– Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

– God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

– Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

– When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

– Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

– A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

– Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

– Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

– Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

– If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

– Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

– When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

– Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

– Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

– If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

– Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

– Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

– Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

– Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

– Chuck Norris invented water.

– Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

– One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norri

Comment posted by OzLady
at 12/28/2005 9:39:00 PM

God has nothing to do with the creation of the heavens and the earth, it was Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick to the face of God that allowed him to create the heavens and the earth.

Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2 ton blocks. He then made his shelter which we now call the Great Pyramids.

Adam and Eve never existed. What really happened, was that Chuck Norris sneezed and a human fetus emerged from his nose, this was the beginning of man.

Chuck Norris was not alowed to be a part of UFC,NFL,PGA,NBA,NHL or any Olympic event for fear that too many deaths would occure….

Chuck Norris masterbates with a sledgehammer.

Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’s orgasms.

Tag: Chuck Norris

Comment posted by OzLady
at 12/28/2005 9:40:00 PM

Chuck Norris bathes in a mixture of sufuric acid, A-JAX, Gasoline and AquaVelva and scrubs himself with a loofah made of steele wool. This creates the alluring aroma that makes him irresistable to all women.

Tag: Chuck Norris

Comment posted by OzLady
at 12/28/2005 9:42:00 PM

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Comment posted by OzLady
at 12/28/2005 9:43:00 PM

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Comment posted by ozlady
at 1/30/2006 11:15:00 PM

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Comment posted by ozlady
at 1/30/2006 11:18:00 PM

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Comment posted by steph
at 1/30/2006 11:23:00 PM

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Comment posted by OzLady.com – » Chuck Norris Jokes
at 6/9/2006 6:23:27 AM

[…] Chuck Norris Jokes […]

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